The Story of Little Red Riding Hood Told in Medical Terms

Hello, one and all! As many of you know, I’m a registered nurse and so I’m quite familiar with medical jargon. Sharing with you all this piece I did for fun a few years back, translating the Brothers Grimm’s classic fairy tale Little Red Riding Hood to medical terms (as best as I can). The concept for this narrative first came up from my memory of my college classmates and me laughing at how one of our clinical instructors used the phrase “forceful expulsion of air from the lungs” when she only meant “cough.” Haha! I had a lot of fun writing this piece and I hope you have fun reading it, too! 🙂

Note: The text in this color come from the original story; those in this color are the ones I’ve tried to translate.

red_riding_hood

Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time there was a dear little girl who was loved by everyone who looked at her, but most of all by her grandmother, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the child. Once she gave her a little riding hood of red velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else; so she was always called ‘Little Red Riding Hood.’

Once upon a time there was a dear school-aged XX-chromosomed individual who was loved by everyone whose retina has received an image of her, but most of all by the female who had produced her mother as offspring, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the pediatric being. Once, by physical action, she conveyed her a little riding hood of red velvet, which looked so aesthetically pleasing on her that she would never wear anything else as protection for her caput and the posterior portion of her trunk; so she was always called ‘Little Red Riding Hood.’

One day her mother said to her: ‘Come, Little Red Riding Hood, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine; take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandmother will get nothing; and when you go into her room, don’t forget to say, “Good morning”, and don’t peep into every corner before you do it.’

One day the female who pushed her out of the birth canal said to her: ‘Come, Little Red Riding Hood, here is a piece of baked glucose-rich food and a bottle of fermented grape juice, 1,470kcal in total; take them to the female who pushed me out of her birth canal, she is not in her optimum level of functioning, and they will do her good. Set out before the atmospheric temperature rises, and when you are going, ambulate nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may temporarily lose your center of gravity and break the bottle, and then your female antecedent will get nothing; and when you go into her room, don’t forget to articulate, “Good morning”, and don’t exercise your cranial nerves III, IV and VI before you do it.’

‘I will take great care,’ said Little Red Riding Hood to her mother, and gave her hand on it.

‘I will take great self-care,’ said Little Red Riding Hood to her female parent, and gave the distal part of her upper limb on it.

The grandmother lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and just as Little Red Riding Hood entered the wood, a wolf met her. Red Riding Hood did not know what a wicked creature he was, and was not at all afraid of him.

The grandmother is a permanent resident out in the wood, half a league from the community, and just as Little Red Riding Hood entered the wood, a carnivorous mammal of the family Canidae met her. Red Riding Hood did not know what a psychopathic creature he was, and was not at all in an unpleasant emotional state of agitation and dread of him.

‘Good day, Little Red Riding Hood,’ said he.

‘Good day, Little Red Riding Hood,’ the sounds went out of his vocal organs.

‘Thank you kindly, wolf.’

‘Thank you kindly, wolf.’

‘Whither away so early, Little Red Riding Hood?’

‘To which specified location are you going this AM shift, Little Red Riding Hood?’

‘To my grandmother’s.’

‘To my female progenitor’s.’

‘What have you got in your apron?’

‘What have you got in your public health bag?’

‘Cake and wine; yesterday was baking-day, so poor sick grandmother is to have something good, to make her stronger.’

‘Baked glucose-rich food and fermented grape juice, 1,470kcal in total; yesterday was nutri-day, so poor disease-afflicted grandmother is to have something good, to help her be in a state of physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or any other abnormal condition.’

‘Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood?’

‘Where does your female progenitor reside, Little Red Riding Hood?’

‘A good quarter of a league farther on in the wood; her house stands under the three large oak-trees, the nut-trees are just below; you surely must know it,’ replied Little Red Riding Hood.

‘A good quarter of a league farther on in the wood; her house stands inferior to the three large oak-trees, the nut-trees are just below; you surely must have seen it in the spot map,’ replied Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf thought to himself: ‘What a tender young creature! what a nice plump mouthful – she will be better to eat than the old woman. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.’

The wolf generated a mental concept: ‘What a tender creature in an early period of growth and development! What a nice adipose-rich mouthful — she will be better as oral intake than the woman who is far advanced in years of life. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.’

So he walked for a short time by the side of Little Red Riding Hood, and then he said: ‘See, Little Red Riding Hood, how pretty the flowers are about here – why do you not look round? I believe, too, that you do not hear how sweetly the little birds are singing; you walk gravely along as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is merry.’

So he walked for a short time lateral to Little Red Riding Hood, and then he said: ‘See, Little Red Riding Hood, how these flowers here have qualities that delight the sense of sight— why do you not turn your organs of vision round? I believe, too, that your organs of hearing do not perceive how sweetly the little birds are singing; you move over the ground by gravely taking steps with your feet as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is like a Culminating Activity in community duty.’

Little Red Riding Hood raised her eyes, and when she saw the sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, she thought: ‘Suppose I take grandmother a fresh nosegay; that would please her too. It is so early in the day that I shall still get there in good time.’

Little Red Riding Hood activated her oculomotor nerve to raise her eyes, and when her optic nerve brought back to her brain the image of sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, she employed her conscious mind: ‘Suppose I take my female antecedent a fresh nosegay; that would increase her dopamine levels too. It is so early in the day that I shall still get there before endorsement.’

So she ran from the path into the wood to look for flowers. And whenever she had picked one, she fancied that she saw a still prettier one farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.

So she ran from the path into the wood to visually perceive more flowers. And whenever her opposable thumb together with the rest of her digits had picked one, she fancied that she saw a still prettier one farther on, and she moved swiftly on foot after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.

Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the grandmother’s house and knocked at the door.

Meanwhile the wolf moved in such a way that the distal part of his legs quickly left the ground during each stride, straight to the female progenitor’s house and repeatedly hit the heads of his phalanges at the door.

‘Who is there?’

‘What is the name stated in your NSO Birth Certificate?’

‘Little Red Riding Hood,’ replied the wolf. ‘She is bringing cake and wine; open the door.’

‘Little Red Riding Hood,’ replied the wolf. ‘She is bringing baked glucose-rich food and fermented grape juice, 1,470kcal in total; open the door.’

‘Lift the latch,’ called out the grandmother, ‘I am too weak, and cannot get up.’

‘Direct the latch superiorly,’ called out the grandmother, ‘I have impaired physical mobility, and am on CBR without BP.’

The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother’s bed, and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains.

The wolf moved the latch superiorly, the door sprang open, and without employing his vocal organs he went straight to the female progenitor’s bed, and consumed her per orem. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, assumed a supine position on the bed and drew the curtains (rationale: For privacy).

Little Red Riding Hood, however, had been running about picking flowers, and when she had gathered so many that she could carry no more, she remembered her grandmother, and set out on the way to her.

Little Red Riding Hood, however, had been utilizing her glucose stores, doing ROM exercises, running about picking flowers, and when she had gathered so many that the weight of the load is equal to the maximum weight her muscles can carry, she recovered from her short-term memory loss and remembered her grandmother, and set out on the way to her.

She was surprised to find the cottage-door standing open, and when she went into the room, she had such a strange feeling that she said to herself: ‘Oh dear! How uneasy I feel today, and at other times I like being with grandmother so much.’ She called out: ‘Good morning,’ but received no answer; so she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her grandmother with her cap pulled far over her face, and looking very strange.

Her heart rate increased as she was filled with sudden wonder to find the cottage-door standing open, and when she went into the room, she had such a sense of impending doom that she said to herself: ‘Oh dear! How moderately anxious I feel today, and at other times I very much like being with the woman who conceived and delivered my female parent.’ She called out: ‘Good morning,’ but received no answer; so she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her female antecedent with her cap pulled far over the anterior aspect of her head, and looking very strange.

‘Oh! Grandmother,’ she said, ‘what big ears you have!’

‘Oh! Grandmother,’ she said, ‘what big auricles your organs of hearing and equilibrium have!’

‘All the better to hear you with, my child,’ was the reply.

‘All the better to gather the sounds your vocal organs make, my child,’ was the reply.

‘But, grandmother, what big eyes you have!’ she said.

‘But, grandmother, what big pair of hollow structures you have in the bony orbits at the front of your skull!’ she said.

‘All the better to see you with, my dear.’

‘All the better to perceive you with by means of the light you reflect, my dear.’

‘But, grandmother, what large hands you have!’

‘But, grandmother, what acromegaly-like carpals, metacarpals and phalanges you have!’

‘All the better to hug you with.’

‘All the better to hold you more proximally with.’

‘Oh! But, grandmother, what a terrible big mouth you have!’

‘Oh! But, grandmother, what a terrible big anterior opening of the alimentary canal you have!’

‘All the better to eat you with!’

‘All the better to ingest you with!’

And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Red Riding Hood.

And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and had Red Riding Hood pass through his mouth to his gastric chamber by means of temporarily closing his glottis and the muscular action of his esophagus.

When the wolf had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, fell asleep and began to snore very loud.

When the wolf had implemented his intervention for his self-diagnosed Imbalanced Nutrition: Less than Body Requirements, he assumed a left side-lying position on the bed with head elevated 30˚(rationale: For better digestion and to avoid heartburn), fell into a state of rest during which volition and consciousness are in temporary inactivity, and began to produce rough, noisy sounds of breathing due to the vibration of his soft palate and his uvula.

The huntsman was just passing the house, and thought to himself: ‘How the old woman is snoring! I must just see if she wants anything.’ So he went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw that the wolf was lying in it.

The huntsman was just ambulating lateral to the house, and thought to himself: ‘How the female human currently at the psychosocial stage of Ego Integrity vs. Despair is producing harsh sounds of breathing at sleep! I must just conduct physical examination to see if there is something compromising her airway patency.’ So he went into the room, and when he came more proximate to the bed, the pair of spherical bodies in the orbits of his skull perceived that the wolf was supine on it.

‘Do I find you here, you old sinner!’ said he. ‘I have long sought you!’ But just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the grandmother, and that she might still be saved, so he did not fire, but took a pair of scissors, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.

‘Do my organs of sight perceive you here, you geriatric sinner!’ said he. ‘I have sought you for an extended period of time!’ But just as he was going to embed a foreign object into the wolf’s internal organs, it occurred to him that the wolf might have ingested the grandmother, and that she might still be rescued by surgical intervention, so he did not fire. Instead, he administered pre-op meds to the wolf, performed abdominal skin prep, and inducted general anesthesia. He then took out a surgical dissecting set, set up a sterile field, and put on a surgical mask and cap. After performing a complete surgical hand rub, he dried his hands using a sterile towel, donned on a sterile gown and a pair of surgical gloves, and draped the wolf’s abdomen. Using a scalpel, he then began to make a left midline transverse incision on the abdomen of the unconscious wolf.

When he had made two snips, he saw the little red riding hood shining, and then he made two snips more, and the little girl sprang out, crying: ‘Ah, how frightened I have been! How dark it was inside the wolf.’

After incising the wolf’s subcutaneous and muscle layers, he used a pair of Mayo scissors to cut away at the peritoneum, and when he had made two snips, he saw the little red riding hood give forth an electromagnetic radiation to which the organs of sight react. And then, using a pair of Metz scissors, he made two snips more, and the little female life form sprang out, crying: ‘Ah, how I have felt a distressing emotion aroused by a clearly identifiable, external stimulus that represented danger to me! How lacking in illumination it was in the internal cavity of the wolf.’

After that the aged grandmother came out also, but scarcely able to breathe. Red Riding Hood, however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf’s belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.

After that the chronologically advanced grandmother came out also, but with no breathing and no pulse. Red Riding Hood immediately initiated cardiopulmonary resuscitation. She placed one hand over the other, positioned the heel of her hand over the center of her grandmother’s chest, and started 30 compressions, with the huntsman beside her singing “Stayin’ Alive” as a guide for the rate of her compressions to reach at least 100 per minute. She then opened her grandmother’s airway by the head-tilt chin-lift maneuver, blew in 2 breaths, and rechecked her grandmother’s pulse and breathing. Noting the return of spontaneous circulation and respiration, Red Riding Hood then placed her grandmother in recovery position.

She then quickly fetched great stones which they implanted inside the wolf’s gastric chamber. After ensuring a complete instrument and sponge count, the huntsman used a round, non-cutting needle and Chromic 1.0 suture to close the wolf’s peritoneum via continuous stitch technique. After suturing the muscle, fascia, and subcutaneous layers, the huntsman used a half-curve needle and Silk 3.0 suture to finally sew up the wolf’s skin using the interrupted stitch technique.

When the wolf regained consciousness and as the anesthesia’s effect waned, he wanted to run away, but the stones’ total weight was more than what his muscles could bear that he lost his center of gravity at once, and fell lifeless. For confirmation and proper documentation, Red Riding Hood attached limb and chest leads to the wolf and obtained an ECG tracing, which showed asystole, confirming death. She attached the tracing to the wolf’s chart, documented the events accurately, closed the chart and had the huntsman countersign the documentation.

Then all three were delighted. The huntsman drew off the wolf’s skin and went home with it; the grandmother ate the cake and drank the wine which Red Riding Hood had brought, and revived. But Red Riding Hood thought to herself: ‘As long as I live, I will never leave the path by myself to run into the wood, when my mother has forbidden me to do so.’

Then the dopamine levels of all three reached an all-time high. The huntsman put on a surgical mask and clean gloves, picked up his scalpel again, carefully excised the wolf’s integument, and went home with it. The grandmother ingested the piece of baked glucose-rich food and the bottle of fermented grape juice per orem, was energized by the 1,470kcal it provided her, and resuscitated. But Red Riding Hood mentally conceived a philosophy: ‘As long as I exist, I will never opt for DAMA (DashtotheWoods Against Mother’s Advice) again.’

» ♣ «

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