Recalibrating

Tonight I just want to write. There are nights this difficult, this foreign, this familiar. I am both full of, and at a loss for, words.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the word “recalibrating.”
To calibrate again. To reassess, reset, readjust.

I was thinking I have to take a step back and recalibrate everything I’ve been doing, thinking, feeling thus far. It feels like it’s only now that I’m truly starting to “get” it, this thing I’m trying to do. I am making mistakes and misjudgments and self-injury left and right, and I feel like I’ve had to make each and every one of them. And I am bound to make more; I have to.

There is no other way.

It feels like it’s only now that I’m starting to ask the right questions. It’s only now that I’m also finding out, it was never about the answers.

I am finding a way to self-forgiveness. Slowly.
No one goes through life without breaking.

Reassess, reset, readjust – As D.F. Wallace pointed out, it is by no means accidental that when we speak of a psychologically healthy person, we often use the term “well-adjusted.”
The world is mayhem. Reassess, reset, readjust—until you find your place in it, until you find a way to dance with the chaos.

I am trying to find a way to live with passion. I am repulsed by the idea of a bland life. I am here for the magic, I am here for expressions of the soul, for the spark of talent, for the outpouring of love for meaningful things. I have to find people who live with passion, who are free-spirited and brave and care about things that matter, whose hearts are so big each can contain the world.

I have to find these people and be with them, because they remind me to believe. They remind me to believe that being alive in this world is not for naught. They remind me to believe in pursuing my own passions. They remind me to believe that a dance or an artwork or a piece of writing can make a difference. They remind me to believe in caring about things that matter, in opening up my heart to contain so many things other than my own little bag of darkness.

I have to find these people and be with them, because I want to be one of them. And I cannot do it by myself; I need constant reminding.

Reassess, reset, readjust.

Naysayers, keep away.
Recalibration ongoing. ♦

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