Love and Freedom

There has been a lot of talk about love recently, at least a lot of it in my head. As I’ve grown, so have my ideas about love changed. As someone with a very strong need for freedom, the struggle for me has always been how to surrender part of that freedom in love. See, romantic love—at least most of that which I’ve encountered in my life—has always felt to me to be, to a certain degree, stifling.

So I, with the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a rebel, tended to find myself waging war every time I’d felt even slightly hindered. Maybe out of my early life experiences, my witness of brokenness growing up, I have grown to develop a fierce kind of independence. The more I feel controlled, the more I strive to defy in an attempt to assert my autonomy. Toddler behavior, I know. But see, I need to know first, that I can manage on my own. That I can take care of my own self, my own needs, my own happiness. Even without you. Because if you are going to stay with me, I do not want it to be out of my need for you. I want it to be out of a choice you make, you freely make, without pressure from me, or from yourself, or from anyone, or from the demands of the situation. It has to be the choice to be with me not because you need to, and not because I need you to, but because you want to. Love is a twisted thing, and there are already many other cages we lock ourselves in aside from it. I need love to be freedom, if that is at all possible.

So if you are looking for your princess, your damsel-in-distress, you must know as early as now: I am not it. If you cannot be proud of my sense of independence, if you are intimidated by it or intend to change that aspect of me, then it’s probably not going to work between us. I am I, and you are you. Love, for me, now more than ever, requires respect of that individuality before unity can even be conceived of. It is two wholes, each complete in its own right, but each bettered by the company of the other. That is what love is to me. At least until my definition of it changes again somehow. ♣

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Just gotta add—to be sure, it scares me how much I now share in this blog, how much of me at a very personal level, and how many of these posts I now link to my personal account in social media (something I’ve tended to avoid in the past). There is such a vulnerability I feel doing this—writings like this used to be just confined in my Journal—but at the same time I now feel compelled to voice out these things. Why must I write? I do not know. I only hope to have more courage for whatever purpose this serves.

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5 thoughts on “Love and Freedom

  1. Hah, we share the same ideas on love and independence, although I’ve grown over the years to appreciate what sacrificing a bit for a relationship does to enhance it. It’s a tricky game though because like you said the motive for both should be about want and not need. I too am starting to share more of my posts on my social media sites. It scares the crap out of me but it’s fully invigorating at the same time!

    • I get what you mean about sacrificing for a relationship. Indeed, each person must do their part in making the relationship work; it’s unrealistic (and unhealthy) to expect it will work by itself without any degree of compromise at some point. I think I’m better at it now, understanding and practicing the give-and-take involved, although I still have a lot to learn for sure. Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts on this! I’m somehow relieved to know that 1.) you can relate, which means I’m not a total freak for wanting both love and independence the way I do (haha), and 2.) I’m not the only one scared of the sharing thing. Good to know you’re not letting the fear stop you! Keep writing and sharing 🙂

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