Choosing Hope

It’s two hours into 2015 in this side of the world. My Facebook NewsFeed is of course flooded with Happy New Year greetings, reflections about the past year, and great hopes for the new one. And as much as I had wanted to join in the festive mood myself, I wasn’t feeling all that celebratory.

I spent the last few hours of 2014 lying in my bed, in the dark of my room, my eyes closed and my body still, but my mind in a frenzy and my heart in a near-panic. 2015 is going to be a BIG year, with a number of challenges and deciding moments I anticipate will be nothing short of defining. And I—I am absolutely petrified. I had done work over the holidays to try to prepare for the onslaught that is 2015, but I feared I had not done enough and worried whether I’ll ever be able to do enough. There are also several things in my 2015 to-do list I know I should not have committed to, and I regretted not being assertive and wise enough to say no to them when I still had the chance. Thus I suffered the dread of having to balance everything and still come out on top of things. [Dear self, please learn how to say no already. It’s been your New Year’s resolution for several years now.]

 …

My mother and I shared a simple spread of the traditional Media Noche as the clock struck midnight. We talked, and we talked a lot. This is one of the few occasions we’ve talked at length, because she’s an outdoors person usually lounging by her garden (she loves plants and gardening), while I’m an indoors person usually, well, in front of my computer (surprise, surprise). I finally plucked up the courage to give her the Christmas card I made last year (was that a joke? am I trying to make a joke here? haha), the one I hesitated giving at Christmas eve because I knew she would cry while reading it and that would make me cry and we would end up being useless puddles on the floor henceforth. I was an absolute mess while writing it, and I could tell she was holding back her tears while reading it, although a few still slipped until I too found myself crying.

I cried though, not only at the thought of everything I’ve written in the card, but at the thought of everything I’ve been through over the past couple of years, and how she’s been with me through it all. There was such struggle, both in work and in love. She didn’t know about every single one of them, but still she’s the only one who saw me break apart the way I did and fight to build myself back up and patch my heart whole again. For the life of me, I will never be able to fathom the unconditional love of a mother for her child, but it is enough that I should feel it even though I do not fully understand. Our conversation this New Year’s Eve gave me renewed hope that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay, you know? I’ll be okay. 🙂

I am writing this because I do not want to forget this feeling. That in the first few hours of 2015, I felt hopeful, and capable, and in the right track. I felt understood and not alone in my battles. I felt courage spring from a sense of purpose and strength from the feeling of being believed in.

I hope to never forget how to hope and believe. If I should fall, let it be that I rise up in hope. This is my prayer for the year ahead.

Bring it, 2015.

· • ° • ·

“I will breathe more, but be more thankful for all of those who are capable of stealing it. I will listen more, and absorb the words being said with a clear heart, and a mind that is not conjuring up my responses. I will hope, more hope for more things that seem hopeless. I will be the last one to let go with hugging arms when someone trusts me with an embrace; I will be strength when it is needed, but always decorated with simple tenderness. I will be the holder of wild things and the soother of soul sickness, I will be the magic you stopped believing in, the jaw dropping reveal that you would’ve sworn was an illusion. I will be the hand you hold, but we can take turns leading one another into adventure. I will be the shoulder for crying, the fingers for tear drying, the lungs for sighing, and the wings when yours are too tired for flying. I will be the answer if you are brave enough to ask the question, I will be the end of the sentence that begins the most important paragraph. I will be the words, for I have always been the words, and all of them will be true. Happy New Year.” ~ Tyler Knott Gregson

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7 thoughts on “Choosing Hope

  1. Great post, last night I had similar thoughts and felt the small creep of panic on what ’15 may bring ~ exciting and terrifying, which is a nice mix to get the blood flowing.

    Like your statement: “2015 is going to be a BIG year, with a number of challenges and deciding moments I anticipate will be nothing short of defining.” If you go into a new year with such thoughts, you prepare yourself for a great path ahead. Cheers!

  2. Dear miss Carla,

    New Years Eve always fills me with fear, some years more than others. The other emotion I feel is always hope… So many new chances await in the new year to make something beautifull, awesome or funny. To make a difference for yourself or someone else. I hope this new year brings you strenght, courage and above all happiness.

    Go girl!

    • Hello Esther,

      Thank you for reading and for the well-wishes! I love how you put it— “To make a difference for yourself or someone else.” It’s definitely one of my main goals, not only for 2015, but for this lifetime. I wish you all the best for the coming year, too! 🙂

      P.S. I dropped by your page and notice you write in a language I suppose is Dutch. The words look familiar to me because I have an aunt who’s married to a Dutchman and now lives in the Netherlands with him and their son. I’d tried learning a couple of basic words while my cousin was here, although I can’t say I’ve perfected the pronunciation! hehe

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