Incoherence

As I write this, I have been awake for 20 hours now, and counting.

I cannot sleep.

I know I will probably regret writing what I am about to write, and will also probably take this post down as soon as I feel better about things, but right now this just has to be let out.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. My mind has been kinda fuzzy. Okay, A LOT fuzzy. Some days I don’t feel like functioning at all, but I know I need to. I also know I can’t be breaking down like this, because people expect me to be coherent. Heck, I expect me to be coherent. Work is piling up and deadlines will not be moved just because I don’t feel like functioning.

In all honesty, I do not know what is up with me. Could this just be fatigue? Burnout? I know I spread myself out too thinly last semester, and barely had any rest during the sem break. But that is life, is it not? It is one thing after another; it waits for no one. Saying no to something so imminent, so available right in front of you feels like committing a violation of some sort, like submitting to a kind of laziness you just cannot afford to have at this point in your life. As a young adult trying to start out in life, I feel this most intensely now. Things are happening left and right, and I feel pulled in more directions than I care to even look at right now. I need to breathe, but it feels like there is barely space even for that.

But that is not the worst part, I suppose. There are more things I could say here, certainly, but admittedly I am more careful here. This page is no longer as anonymous as I initially intended it to be. So forgive the guardedness. This is not how I would write if I knew no one would be reading.

Nonetheless, I want there be authenticity here, though it is bound to render me more vulnerable. So let me end this passage with an excerpt from my Journal, the one thing I’ve revealed most of myself to, the one thing I’ve felt safest to be honest with:

· • ·

“Every day I still think about it. I feel like a long, complicated novel in a world that would rather read 5-page, vibrant picture books. I am not flashy, my edges are torn, I have the feel of dust between my pages, and I reek of the smell of forlorn books, unopened for ages. I have a long and distant past; the prologue is mostly boring and contains nothing that would give the reader any idea on what will happen in the subsequent chapters. The plot is still a work in progress, and difficult to understand. There is no sense of completion at the end of every chapter. There are characters long dead that keep popping up in random pages, confusing readers even more. There is no clarity whatsoever; most times, there is only a blur.

I keep missing people…A lot of my life has been spent hoping to cross paths again with people in my past. It’s like I am moving forward in the hope of rounding back to the same place I’ve passed by before.

There is a lot to forget,
more than what is actually there to remember.”

∼ ο ∼

...

∼ ο ∼

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7 thoughts on “Incoherence

  1. I hear you. The other day I was so stressed about work that after I got in bed I just laid there in a mild panic all night until the alarm went off in the morning. Didn’t sleep for one second. Then ended up working twelve hours the next day. Came home that day and died. Things are better now, though. You reach a point where you realize you can only do so much. And you have to let go of some things and find some peace.

    • Owww, I too have had that experience of not getting to sleep despite physically needing to, mostly because of that “mild panic” that stayed with me all night long. Thank you for sharing; I thought I was the only one!

      And yes, I do need to find some peace in the midst of all this craziness. Thank you for reading and dropping a line! Truly appreciate it. 🙂

  2. I really think meditation will help you. Try this breathing meditation when lying in bed before sleep. In fact do it any time of the day you feel confused. The reason you feel fear is because you are worrying over things you have no control over. Although it could be a chemical imbalance in the brain since you sound depressed. Either way try meditating. Meditation is merely being aware of your body in the PRESENT moment. You mind is blank as you feel and hear yourself breathing in slowly, holding your breath and breathing out slowly. It might take a while to get the hang of it but it brought me out of many anxiety filled moments. As you get older you will recognize when you feel the fear and when to meditate. Please try this Yoga breathing meditation I added a twist of my own though: Even though silly thoughts may be going like a merry-go-round in your mind:

    Breath in slowly for a count of 4 heartbeats or say “Smell the roses” (It takes about the same time). THEN hold your breath for 7 heartbeats or a slow count of seven, THEN breathe out slowly for an 8 count or while slowly saying “Blow out the candle.”. When you are in tune with your body functions you are not thinking about what’s bothering you.

    • There was a time (many, many years back) when I did try meditation exercises, although more as a personal experiment after a teacher taught us how to do it. Now I think I need to repractice those exercises, and also try the one you suggested, this time as a form of routine mental hygiene. Thank you for sharing your insights, Lorraine! 🙂

  3. Reading this made me feel that I am not alone in the battles of a young adult. 🙂 Thanks for the thoughts and sentiments. Remember, this, too, shall pass. 🙂

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